The New Dumb

Tell me you've noticed. Not that it matters. Take my word for it - no one's above The New Dumb. At least not lately. To wit:

1. Literacy. The United States of America is now ranked 55th in world literacy (according to the 2005 UN Development Programme Report). 55th. As Bill Maher put it, it's a sad state of affairs when there are 12-year-old kids in this country who can't spell the names of the teachers they're having sex with.

2. Political Attack Ads. Rapists, phone sex, killing babies, racism and terror. But enough about my weekend. This round of US mid-term election campaign ads have reduced the level of political discourse to “oxygen deprived” while giving everyone some pretty good reasons to fear fear again.

So thank you Kristen Gillibrand (NY). Thank you for fighting for more than our right to party.




3. Borat. U-S-A! U-S-A! To Sacha Baron Cohen’s unwitting co-stars - you’re all winners. My stomach hurt for quite a while after last night’s advance screening (opens Friday). But what was funnier – the ignorance, the homophobia, the ignorance, the anti-Semitism, the ignorance, the sexism, or the anus jokes?

Halloween Costume Countdown: Decision 2006

Thaaaaat's right. So look for me. I'll be going to [location] on [day] around [time].

And no, I will not have a bottle of Viagra with me (sorry moochers). Nor am I likely to be surrounded by a coterie of cottontails. I will, however, be ensconced in (100%) silk, have plenty of Glenmorangie on hand and be throwing out some fun pretend stories that involve me and James Caan in some way.

A-ring-a-ding-ding.

Torture Is As American As Apple Pie!

This direct quote and other sad profundities were delivered this evening by Pulitzer Prize winning muckraker Seymour Hersh. Sy spoke at McGill's Mount Royal Centre, presenting his "Report from Washington" lecture (as well as several extemporaneous digressions involving his many, MANY sources).

This man knows fear. From the (worse than you think) scandal at Abu Ghraib to the (frightening and possibly literal) cult of the Neo Cons to the (mildly upsetting) collapse of the press, Congress and the Constitution, it's enough to make you want to find a spider hole. Fast.

Sy was characteristically unapologetic - "I offer no hope. There's no one in the back selling uppers."

Halloween Costume Countdown: Sexy Time

Inspired by Brock's sexy costume posting, I thought it might be fun to present a few alternatives to the conventional slutification of All Hallows Eve.

1. Sexy J.K. Rowling-esque Wizard. Kids will love you and so will I. Now I get the whole "No, no - adults can enjoy it too" thing. I'd be her Prisoner of Azkaban any day!

2. Sexy Lunatic. More commonly known as "The Montrealer".

3. Sexy Corn Dog Vendor. Hand to God, that's what it's actually called. Suggestively dispense corn-battered phalli and become the hottest turn-of-the-century frying wench this side of Coney Island.

I'd Rather Be Fishing

Like you wouldn't. I can only assume these lugs knew what they were getting themselves into. Still, imagine the utter stupefaction they must have felt around minute two of this video (be patient - it gets intenser).

There seems to be some confusion as to the purpose of this little excursion, to say nothing of the species of fish and its behaviour. I asked S for his thoughts on the video and here's what he told me:

"I wish I'd never sent it to you."

Halloween Costume Countdown: Flop Sweat Factor 7

Dumb animal that I am, I ain't done put enough thought into this for the umpteenth year. Ah, but "enough" is not ANY. The following is a selection of possible git-ups I still have time to pull off. Votes, suggestions and incredibly witty remarks are all welcome. Please help me make this the best Halloween ever. Don't and I'll show up as you dressed as a child-molesting Block Parent.

The Quotable Ultimate Warrior

"With the command of my voice I raise the level of the words to one that can't be reproduced."
- The Ultimate Warrior

What?

He had it all - the hair, the make-up and an intensity that, as wrestler Bobby H put it, "made coffee nervous". But apparently no one knew what the hell he was talking about. Not the fans. Not the wrestlers. Not even majority owner and chairman of the WWE, Vince McMahon.

After watching this I can honestly say that I feel more sane.

If you'd like to learn more about The Ultimate Warrior, I reccommend a thorough reading of his Wikipedia entry. You'll learn about:

- The short-lived Ultimate Warrior comic book series, featuring the "Santa Rape Issue".
- His new career as a conservative speaker featuring his Ultimate Quote: "Queering doesn't make the world work."
- The Ultimate Outing of The Warrior by (surprise surprise) The Iron Sheik.

Helsinki, I Hardly Know Ye

Attention hipster diaspora - pack up your (Comme Des Garçons) bindles. The promised land is not wherever the hell you are. Unless you happen to be in Helsinki. If you're there, stay put. You won the lottery.

Go to hel-looks.com and prove me wrong.

A quote from one plate, Maippi, who I think may have been Blind Melon's bumblebee girl:

"I bought these glasses from Chinatown in Montreal. I like them because when wearing them, I don't feel like, oh, why am I not wearing contact lenses!"

Wow. I'm moving - who's with me?

Gratuitous Cartoon Mashup Posting

"I like to drink wine more than I used to."
- Vito Corleone, The Godfather (1972)

I assume most of you have seen at least one of these things before. Remember the never-tedious Wassup? Budweiser commercial as re-interpretted by the Superfriends? Yeah, I'll bet.

There's something about this one though. Maybe it's the subtle eyebrow movement or the fact that I totally buy Kirk as Michael Corleone.

Lovers In A Dangerous Randomized Controlled Trial

Ran into Special K recently. Like so many Montrealers, she finally succumbed to big pharma's Vegas-like lure of the clinical trial. You've seen the ads - it's practically free money. You spend a few nights, sign a few wavers and pray that your children (assuming you can still reproduce) develop teeth, a healthy intellect and a tail small enough to be hidden by baggy pants.

Special K pulled a three-nighter. Observation: once a week for three weeks. The drug: developed to alleviate severe stomach cramping in South American children. I don't know what the hell they're eating down there but what a boon for our local economy.

On her last visit the researcher blurted out what must rank as one of the most awkward overtures in the history of science: "I'm really going to miss you. Would you like to... come back for another experiment?" As it turns out he says that to most of his rats too. Still.

Ecce Homo. Seriously.

Apologies for the delay in posting. Not that anyone is keeping track. Or reading for that matter.

Everyone loves Jesus, that much science has proven. But which Jesus do people love the most? We'll leave that up to art. And you! From top:

1. Knock-knock joke Jesus.
2. Awkward Sears portrait Jesus.
3. Bad boy Billy Ray Cyrus-y Jesus.
4. South Park Jesus (3D).

Weekend = Lazypost ©

I could easily justify my recent spate of YouTubings but it's the weekend and I wanna go outside. So you get nothing.

Except these. Two deleted(?) scenes from the upcoming Borat movie. I know, I know - he's barely had any press. My advice: try to out-anti-semitism your competition *cough* melgibson *cough*. You know what the PR folk say Borat - "you're good, but are you Gibson good?"

Chubby Little Loser

I'll bet you didn't think anything could top yesterday's hot leopard slug flippy floppy. Wasn't sure myself until this drifted my way (thanks ME).

The Clip: from the second episode of the second season of the second best show on TV today: Extras.

The Preamble: Former movie / TV extra Andy (Ricky Gervais) has miraculously managed to get his own show on BBC.

The Problem: His worst fears have been realized - he has written and starred in a tepid wigs-and-catchphrases British sitcom.

The Situation: An attempt to take refuge in the V.I.P. area of a cocktail lounge turns into a humiliating but catchy sing-a-long lead by David Bowie.

Leopard Slug Mating

This video teaches you about the leopard slug and how it mates. I don't mate like this. Neither do you probably. But the leopard slug does. Man, what a shitty day.

Also, fingers crossed for F who is vying for the enviable position of Crime Scene Photographer. All goes well - this blog gets a LOT more interesting.

Gotta Nuke Somethin'

Once again, my solemn pledge to you: no-bandwagon-jumping-on. I'm curious though - anyone else out there feeling a little nostalgic? I for one have missed the hell out of the nuclear boogeyman. I've missed stockpiling, rogue-state-to-strategic-partner-diplomacy and mad, MAD doctrines. To everything turn, turn, turn.

In any case, what more can possibly said of the glorious leader, the strident impudence of the DPRK and the looming global fucktastrophy that will all have us quietly hoping the Stanislov Petrovs of the world have got our back?

With This Ring...

BGA, ME and a slew of others I (choose to) forget often accuse me of having a lousy memory. Folks: selective is not lousy. Be-more-interesting.

What was I saying? Oh yeah - this ring is SO ninja (BGA / JA - am I wrong?). Practical too - now I'll always remember the date. Unless I forget to change it. But that will never happen.

Mistaken Identity

In regard to Rhiannon's Brock latest reflux of sensationalistic and slanderous hokum, I would like to take a moment to clarify the following:

1. As there are several people in the world who share my namesake, I suspect that Ms Brock must be desperate for news these days. For shame Brock - lumping me in with the zealots, wackjobs and stooges who constitute both the bulk of your blog’s content and its readership. Speaking of crazy, am I mistaken or is that a Symbionese Liberation Army uniform you’re wearing in your blog pic?

2. With regard to my alleged "baby raping", I believe that my many years of volunteer work with the Cumming First United Methodist Church Children's Ministries (http://www.cummingfirst.com/children.html) will put to rest any present or future accusations of sexual misconduct. Alas, would but Ms Brock could experience the immense pleasure of seeing the smiling face of a Cumming child as I have, she might desist in her baseless attempts at character assassination.

Gay Games

Romstar released this in 1992 before anyone knew what suggestive imagery was. One reviewer on gamespot.com offers a helpful, if not gossipy guide to the characters. And I quote:

Coyote Jim - the 6th hardest.

Billy Morgan - The 5th hardest. Just a push over.

Wild Wolf Chief - The 4th hardest.

Keith - The 2nd hardest.

Scorpion master - He is the overall hardest. I have never beat him.

Of course that's just one reviewer's opinions.

Other games of interest from Romstar: Trojan (1986), Final Blow (1988) and Out Zone (1990).

Grill Skillz. Sorry, That's "Skills".

Yessir, easy targets abound these days - Foley, you loveable scamp! - but I've decided to step back from the brink of bandwagon jumping... on. Thank me later. Or don't and I'll tell everyone about that secret affair with your teacher in high school. Yeah, I intercepted that "how's my favourite stud doing?" note he tried to pass you during History and Politics. Stud of course being an acronym for "Strong Teen Using Democracy". How embarrassing it will be for you.

Instead I present an unhealthy dollop of nostalgia. As you are no doubt aware, the 80s were awesome. Everyone really got into the rap music. Especially my former employer, Wendy's. But where was MC Flash-Fry and The Fatty Patties when I was being lectured on the subtleties of "Parking Lot Beautification" featuring cigarette butt removal?

Actionable Items: Stock Tip

Don't spread it around but it seems that "abortion has diminished the value of children". Called my broker immediately and eighty-sixed that sh*t before the market bottomed out (thanks Brock - owe you a Coke). Now I need to find something a bit more stable. S tells me he's putting more and more money into dead kittens but I'm skeptical.

In other news, it seems God has been expelled from school. I can't help but wonder what kind of mischief he'll get into now. Seriously though, what kind of example does this set for Jesus?

Right of Reply

Cheers to my esteemed colleague Rhiannon Brock who has just plugged my little effort here on her own highly successful and much beloved Fag Hags and Handbags blog. Jeers to her lacklustre sarcasm, sucky-baby name calling and outright (dare i say - illegal?) declaration of war. The following is a polite but firm reply I plan to have hand delivered when I find out who she is and where she squats.

My Dearest Brock:

Must we be blenemies? I have followed your blogging with casual interest over the past few months, going so far as to actually read some of your postings in their entirety. I cannot overstate the adequacy of your wit, nor the sense of moderately less boredom with which it and your oblique observations fill my life. Thank you. Thank yooooou.

Although you will never see a goth poem in your honour grace the darkness, the blackness, the silence and the sadness of my blograg (my "blag" if you and the progressive democracy that is urbandictionary.com will so indulge me), I want you know that your comments and suggestions will always be eagerly anticipated, warmly welcomed and mercilessly censored.

Conventionally,

Paul

Montreal: Duck and Cover

It's official: we're unsafe. Comments made in passing to Brock last weekend re: the perennial (dis)repair of our roads were, as it turns out, obscurely prescient. Honestly, we were just bitching about the potholes and pylons, I swear. This is just the kind of shot in the arm we needed after Dawson. Speaking of which, please be sure to check out *unsigned* songwriter Miray's completely altruistic and not-at-all-stock tribute to Anastasia De Sousa. Moving.