Home Port of Panic

2007-09-03T21:38:00.000-07:00

The Biggest Loser

23 kilos of tumor. On his face. And, if I'm not mistaken, some nasty little pimples around his t-zone.

2007-08-23T22:46:00.000-07:00

RIP: Weekly World News

First Allo Police, now this. What's worse, these things always come in threes. Fox News: the bell tolls for thee.

2007-08-22T21:53:00.001-07:00

Batgirl PSA

I kind of suspected that this wasn't Adam West. And I was right. It's Dick Gauthier. And that's why no one payed any attention to this and women never brought up the subject of equal pay again.

2007-08-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

Mo's Bacon Bar

Although it will never replace my beloved bacon beer (remember Schlenkerla Rauchbier?), it seems the latest product to suck up to bacon is our old friend the chocolate bar. In the interest of whatever, I'm urging you all to run down to your local butcher and try Vosges Bacon Exotic Candy Bar.

On a sad note, it seems like we might be approaching the saturation point of bacon-flavoured/infused/fried/smoked products. Unless of course we can somehow get tobacco and cheese involved.

2007-08-14T21:56:00.000-07:00

I Hate Blogging

But I love products, almost as much as you. Tuhday: Dog beer.

Says the site: "Yes, it's beer! But, it's for dogs." Odd - I don't remember writing the copy for these people.

In short, no joy in the juice. What we got here is a rather healthy brew fortified with glucosamine, vitamin E and "all natural" beef drippings. Glorious.

Neither Kwispelbier (Dutch) nor Happy Tail Ale (American) have yet to produce my idea - Air Bud Light: for dogs how know how to take it easy. Of course, seeing how light beer is usually for pussies, marketing will have a bit of legwork.

Yeah, shut up. It's almost 2:00am and I'm writing something longer than a sentence on dog beer. I need a job.

2007-06-05T21:08:00.000-07:00

Time Table

Created (but not yet produced) by designer Ross McBride. Sounds neato:

The glowing digit segments are made of electro-luminescent film, which accounts for the thinness of the structure (6cm). The electronics include an alarm, and a timer to switch the light off at night. Additionally, the light can be turned on, or off anytime without affecting the time.

Inspired me to create my very own "Excel Bedspreadsheet" (patent pending):

Don't just take your work home with you - go to bed with it!

How many should I put you down for?

2007-05-24T19:42:00.000-07:00

I'm Back - But Why?

Mainly because I've discovered that the future belongs to Sam Elliott robots for some reason:

Okay, ya got me. The future actually belongs to Einstein robots for some reason.
(Via Nextfest).

2007-04-11T19:31:00.000-07:00

Gotta Bugatti?

I’ve never driven so fast in my life. This speed is taking me into another dimension. It’s fantastic!
-- Speed Racer

Impoverished gearheads who aren't satisfied by watching poorly-dubbed 60s Japanimation can continue to remain unsatisfied by watching James May test drive the world's fastest production car on a test track in Germany.

The Bugatti Veyron. Top speed: 407.5 km/h. Pricetag: £840,000.

2007-04-10T20:30:00.000-07:00

Reconsider Atheism

2007-04-05T11:24:00.000-07:00

The 8-Bit Clip-On

Because 16-bit smacks of effort. Available at ThinkGeek.

2007-04-04T20:19:00.000-07:00

Actionable Items: Inundate More Neighbours

Said the spam:

Inundate you neighbors with the amount of your sperm with Spermamax.

Imagine what could happen if the kings weren't able to father.

Now there wouldn't be anyone to rule the world.

And the civilization would have died many centuries ago.

Maybe they used herbs that are enclosed in Spermamax and thus had no problems with fertility function.

I did a little research - there's no "maybe" about it.

2007-03-30T11:57:00.000-07:00

Life-size Cocoa Christ Overtakes Hostie As New Catholic Flavourite

He's naked. He's chocolate. And he just might be the tastiest Son of God ever! This Easter, Chocolate Jesus is... "My Sweet Lord". Coming this April to the Roger Smith Lab Gallery in Midtown Manhattan.

2007-03-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

New Slant On PQ Leader's Views

HPOP exclusive! The pivotal 4:39 minutes that tranformed Boisclair into the adept mouthpiece we all know and wruv.

2007-03-22T09:12:00.000-07:00

George Likes McDLTs

I remember they used to put these under heatlamps so the hot stayed hot and the cool stayed wilted and soggy. And that's why I turned out like I did.

2007-02-28T21:00:00.000-08:00

Brains. Hungry.

Great voice work (not mine). Kill time / kill zombies at:

http://www.robollama.com/game/index.php?params=game/480/All-Hallows-Eve/

Defend your house by shooting the encroaching zombies. Damn addictive, but why? S posits: "Anything where there's the prospect of getting a better gun is good."

2007-02-27T21:58:00.000-08:00

Beer + Milk = Bilk

Ladies: throw away those awkward, tasty calcium soft chews. Unless you're alcoholic. Or really stoned.

Bilk has a fruity flavour, looks and smells like tea with milk, and best of all, contains one-third milk. It does a body good. Because it contains beer.

Alas, truer words: "Hey guys - I got Bilked last night!"

2007-02-22T21:26:00.000-08:00

Nuts And Gum: Together At Last

2007-02-21T22:11:00.000-08:00

Sweet N Low

Nothing like a little nostalgia for the Third Reich with your morning cuppa. Apparently, sugar packets bearing Hitler's likeness and holocaust jokes have been turning up at cafes in Croatia. Not so great for a country with a Nazi past and aspirations for EU membership (wait - maybe that will help). A little digging turned up some other interesting Croatian sugar packets:

Gestapo Bill Says "Double double or there'll be trouble!"

"How do you take your coffee?"

2007-02-19T17:25:00.000-08:00

Grey's Anatomy

...has nothing on The Todd's anatomy. Blogging five!

2007-02-15T21:09:00.000-08:00

It's Cold Out

So pointless. I need a vacation.

2007-02-14T16:40:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day

Damn, wrong clip. Why did I choo-choo-choose it?

2007-02-13T09:07:00.000-08:00

Are They Taking This Seriously?

If only there was some way of knowing for sure.

2007-02-11T18:33:00.000-08:00

HPOP - Now 83% More Sporadic!

But that's all going to change. Ah, y'poor fools. No it isn't.

Item: Wink o' the peeper and one-hand clap to BGA and his new reality series "Big Gay Al's Big Gay Model Search". Although the do-rights at language police HQ have forced him to rename it "Portfolio", there's no denying that this superfluous Thursday-night meat parade is a white-hot (low-fat) grease fire of pure entertainment.

Item: I've been meaning to post Bill O'Reilly's appearance on Letterman for some time now. Spoiler: watch for O'Reilly's 'accidental' Nazi salute at the end.

2007-02-01T22:12:00.000-08:00

Black History Month

Why does the white (orange) muppet want keep the black (purple) muppet from having a good time? Discuss.

2007-01-31T20:25:00.000-08:00

I Still Don't Know What Makes The Chinese Laugh

So stop asking, okay?

2007-01-30T19:38:00.000-08:00

Twins!

Ricky Tomlinson (a.k.a. Jim "My Arse" Royle)

Dik Browne (creator of "Hagar the Horrible")

2007-01-29T20:57:00.000-08:00

Oh, Chachi!

Remember your first time? Scott Baio remembers his first time. It was with Erin "Joanie Cunningham" Moran. He was 16 and it was mmmagic:

"I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say after we got naked. So for the first five minutes, maybe less—hell, it might have been the first twenty seconds—I'm doing it and thinking, man, this is really uncomfortable. What happened was, my thing was between the cushions on the couch and I didn't even know it. Instead of being inside Erin, I was humping a corduroy sofa!"

That's so cute, Scott Baio. And now that I know, you don't really have to publish BaioWatch: How I Dated and Loved Hollywood's Most Beautiful Women and Ended Up Alone. Because even though I've only read a few excerpts, I'm almost sure it won't be as much fun as humping a corduroy sofa.

2007-01-28T21:37:00.000-08:00

Pint Of Bacon

I'm through messing around with clumsy, awkward buns. Especially now that bacon in a glass, a.k.a. smoked beer, has combined the goodness of bacon with the greatness of beer.

According to chow.com, it's made by smoking sprouted barley malt before brewing (or by dropping extremely hot stones into the beer during the brewing process).

So fuck you Maple Leaf. I'm a Schlenkerla Rauchbier man now.

2007-01-23T21:01:00.000-08:00

The Hip Hop

Between that and the rap music, it was quite a day.

I started out by discovering my favourite new rap artist or "rapper", Blizzard Man:

Then I watched the State of the Union address:

And that reminded me that I hadn't listened to Rappin' Ronnie in a while...

No, I meant my Rappin' Ronnie Reagan tape... ah forget it.

2007-01-21T19:58:00.001-08:00

I Don't Watch Musikvideos Anymore

Or at least I didn't until I found Sweden's ZTV's good-looking new beta site. You can watch a live programming stream or choose stuff from the archived selection. Seems there's only 24 tunes at the moment but it's a fun mix of old and new. Or you can go watch MuchMusic for five minutes and try not to throw up. www.ztv.se

2007-01-18T20:51:00.000-08:00

Something For Everyone

Well, actually nothing for no one. The rumour was true - it's the most amazing bacon on bun web site on the interinfosuperhighway. It has everything: ALF, Pokemon, MSN conversations, an Esteban Quote generator, ALF porn and a good chunk of the U.S. Constitution (now with strikethrough). Remember to scroll to the bottom and follow the instruction. You could be a winner!

It's www.bacononabun.com. And I honestly don't know why it isn't your homepage.

2007-01-17T20:29:00.000-08:00

Segway For Quebec

Thanks to Bombardier (and lord only knows where they get their ideas), unicyclers could maybe one day at some point in a distant alternate future be getting a lot more respect:

Powered by a hydrogen fuel cell and gyroscopically balanced, the Embrio is a one-wheeled recreational and commuting vehicle. Jester helmet sold separately. What? It is!

2007-01-16T22:26:00.000-08:00

Chappelle On Aquaman

Let me be clear - this is not superhero week on HPOP. Really. Okay, yes, this IS the second superhero-related posting. And, okay, pretty much every week is superhero week on HPOP. But that's not the point. It just happens I was remembering how much I sometimes enjoyed Dr. Katz and came across this clip with Dave Chappelle. That's it.

2007-01-15T18:03:00.000-08:00

Frisky Dingo

Brock beat me to my posting today. Spiders, drugs, on, Hinterland Who's Who, etc. Go.

Anyway, this = Frisky Dingo. Promising new Adult Swim series. Same creators as Sealab 2021 but the jury is still out. This be part one of episode two. I think most/all of the first season is available on Y'Tube.

2007-01-14T19:35:00.000-08:00

Creation Vacation

Screw Europe. This spring I'm going south. To rural northern Kentucky. To be one of the first to visit the Creation Museum! And you're coming with me!

Together we'll explore Ken Ham's sprawling $25 million monument to creationism as we learn about alternative theories to existence. The kind that will definitely make us question years of faith-poor evolutionary science.

"Look out!" we'll say as we witness roaring dinosaurs and animatronic humans coexisting in a biblical paradise.

And who will be able to draw a breath when we learn how baby thunder lizards fit on Noah's Ark or how Cain married his hot, hot sister to populate the Earth? Not us!

Personally, I can't wait to talk to the chaplain - the one that has been hired for museum-goers in need of spiritual guidance. So long egghead tour guides (is what we'll say)!

2007-01-11T19:13:00.000-08:00

Comics. With Nazis.

Nazis make good villains. No, really. Observe:

Here we see Captain America getting slapped (hard) by Nazi Frankenstein.

Ah, but here Cap takes his "wish fulfilment" revenge by punching Hitler. I'm not sure why all the Nazis who are firing guns are missing him at this range. (Note: impossible to see at this size but worth mentioning are the historically accurate "Sabotage Plans For U.S.A.", written in English, sticking out from under the map of America.)

A Nazi Ghost Ship? With Ghosts of Nazis? You better believe the Green Hornet will have his hands full. Of ghosts!

The fey gentleman in green tights goes by the handle of "Captain Nazi". Personally I think he should have worn the standard-issue uniform (like Nazi Frankenstein).

2007-01-10T21:29:00.000-08:00

On Being (Compared To) Hitler

The thing is, while it would seem that no one else has actually been Hitler (unconfirmed I admit), it seems that almost everyone has taken a turn at being compared to Hitler. Donald Rumsfeld. Bill O'Reilly. Clarence Thomas. Ariel Sharon. Robert Mugabe (who actually compared himself to Hitler). Oh, and Bush Jr. Once I think. In passing.

I'm no better. How often have I compared my close friends to Goebbels or Göring? And did they really deserve it? Most definately. Still, I think it behooves us all to remember Godwin's Law (also known as Godwin's Rule of Nazi Analogies): "As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one."

Ergo, at the risk of robbing valid comparisons of real impact I'm going to try using alternatives such as organized religion, big tobacco or supervillains.

My friends (probably) deserve as much. Do yours?

2007-01-09T14:30:00.000-08:00

Nazi Week: Heeeeere's Hitler!

Hitler - funny ha ha or funny ironic? Maybe both. Probably neither. It seems that German film critics aren't quite ready to laugh at the first comedy about their former beloved evil dictator. Strange considering the German reputation for smiles, sunshine and general good timery.

Swiss Jewish director Dani Levy's ""Mein Führer: The Truly Truest Truth about Adolf Hitler" which portrays the barbarous megalomaniac as a bed-wetting drug addict is being panned for its largely unfunny slapstick and limp jokes (ooh, tough crowd).

The plot: fictional Jewish acting coach Adolf Grünbaum is plucked from a concentration camp (yay!) by Joseph Goebbels to get the depressed (aww) dictator back in shape for a mass rally to reinvigorate the German people.

Finally. A movie that combines the hilarity of holocaust Germany with totally appropriate empathy for a madman.

Official site: http://www.meinfuehrer-derfilm.de/

Article (great title): http://www.spiegel.de/international/0,1518,458387,00.html

2007-01-08T18:01:00.000-08:00

Über Special Theme Week

That's right - it's Nazi Week on HPOP. Please to get ready for more fun than an enormous bag of marzipan Joy-Joys mit Iodine, ja?

2007-01-04T20:04:00.000-08:00

Back And More Lazy Than I Thought I Might Be

It's not my fault I tells ya. It's Xmasnewyears - I did nothing, thought little and fattened myself up for the winter that almost was but then wasn't. Not that this isn't postworthy (Kate Winslet's hilarious tableau toward the end - wait for it). But it's just lazyfood for bloghungry intervores like you. And you. And you. Not so much you.

Next week - back on track. With a special theme. And what a theme.

2006-12-22T14:21:00.000-08:00

You Likem Holidays

Don't know if I'll have the time, energy or will to update HPOP until the new year so happy whatever to y'all and yours.

2006-12-20T11:31:00.000-08:00

Last Minute Gift Idea

Check it out on CD Baby.com:

- "More cutting-edge worshipful fun like Worship Rock 1, but geared for 2-10 year olds."

- "Appreciated by kids, and even choosy musicians." (wow - even them!)

And the reviews are overwhelmingly positive:

"Cool" and Fresh. -Brent Weber - Music Minister

Favourite tracks: "No, Slow, Grow & Go!" and "Deep and Wide" (in that order).

Personally, I was a little concerned about the message they seemed to be sending young Christians. But one look at their website and my worries just melted away (I took this from the first page):

"It's here, it's huge, and you've never seen anything like it."

2006-12-19T20:58:00.000-08:00

Please Tell Me What This Is

It's Russian, stupid... what else am I missing?

2006-12-15T13:33:00.000-08:00

Weekend = Lazypost ©

Bilingualism. Is there anything as sexy as bilingualism?

2006-12-14T13:08:00.000-08:00

My Hero

Oh. He's only blind. Nevermind.

2006-12-13T19:58:00.000-08:00

Super Awkward

More corruption of your childhood memories can be seen at superdickery.com. Don't miss The Seduction Of The Innocent gallery which features such gems as:

Someone commanding Captain America to wank.

Batman being forced into a boner by the joker for some reason.

Aunt May making a shocking discovery about teenagers.

2006-12-11T20:17:00.000-08:00

Actionable Items: Author Anything // Today: Screenplays

My final posting on the subject. It's been a week - you should all be highly capable literate geniuses with lucrative publishing/film deals locked up to tell your incredibly moving first person account of hard-fought/hard-won battles with plagiarism, substance abuse, your (former) legal guardians, yo-yo dieting, indecisiveness, decisiveness, uncontrollable falling down and sexual/ethnic/racial/religious identity repression issues by now.

2006-12-07T20:47:00.001-08:00

Actionable Items: Author Anything // Today: Very Very Epistolary

It is by all accounts a lost art. Or is it? Make no mistake, there's nothing quite so satisfying as composing a mediated, cogent and witty dispatch. In some cases, however, 'tis better to receive than to give. This quote is taken from a recent email composed by one of my favourite contemporary epistolarians, Miss Lindsay Lohan.

"I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people. Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see."

Obviously.

2006-12-06T20:04:00.000-08:00

Actionable Items: Author Anything // Today: Spice It Up

Today's readers are savvy, lazy and a li'l bit kerrrazy! Okay, rhyming was yesterday. My point: if you want to compete with the Wiis, XBs and PS3s (can't stop), you have to stay on top of YOUR game, playa! Let's break it down. Phreh-phreh-phresssh!

SAVVY: People expect you to use words. But words they don't know? Or better, don't exist? Neologisms and obscure idioms make your writing seem smarter. That makes you seem smarter. And THAT is perfectly cromulent.

LAZY: Who has time to read whole words anymore? Save time and look cool by using apostrophes and contractions whenever and wherever you can. Just look at the success of words like Li'l Abner, Li'l Jinx and Lil' Kim. Rockin'!

KERRRAZY: See how I flagrantly misspelled the word "crazy"? Whatever - like I care. Flouting linguistic convention is as rebellious as it sounds. Try things like adding the letter 'z' to the end of words or even superfluous letters - i.e. apostropheeez! Screw you dictionary - I don't play by your rulez!

2006-12-05T17:29:00.000-08:00

Actionable Items: Author Anything // Today: Rhyming

Coaxing a full-blown paragraph onto the page or screen can be daunting to even the most literate of graduates. Good advices: start with poetry.

Published and purchased by chumps for centuries, poetry (or "writing-lite") is for the most part limp and largely pointless. It is, however, remarkably easy. Remember: the path of least resistance is usually the least resistant.

Rhyming is the key to all successful poems. Most words can be made to rhyme and hence enjoyed for seconds. This inspirational video will help get you started. Good luck!

2006-12-04T07:01:00.000-08:00

Actionable Items: Author Anything

So goes the famous Peter Cook joke: Two guys are at a party. One says, “I’m working on a novel” and the other replies, “Neither am I.” Ha ha, clink, so true, etc. Unfortunately you, me and everyone we know is officially out of excuses.

Seems that Britney's (first) ex, Jason Alexander, has decided to reveal the details of his 55-hour marathon marriage in - get this - "a book". A quote from the exclusive interview with the UK Sun:

"Britney knows about it. There are things in the book that will upset her. There will be things in the book she will be mad at. It's all the details of the wedding and all the stuff that's been going on. It talks about everything. There is no holding back because that's what people want to know about. It does feature our sex life. It does feature having sex with her and what that was like."

So there. You CAN write and DO have something to say. Go forth and create. Use commas.

2006-11-29T11:34:00.000-08:00

Do As I Say

Never EVER as I do.

2006-11-27T15:07:00.000-08:00

To Go With My Race Car Bed

I bathe in a bathboat. Do you bathe in a bathboat?

2006-11-24T20:30:00.000-08:00

Old Superheroes Never Die

They just get...really...not...good.

2006-11-23T14:30:00.000-08:00

God Warrior

No relation to The Ultimate Warrior (I checked). But just as sane.

2006-11-22T20:27:00.000-08:00

Capital Laptop Machine!

Good news - I've finally found (a working) laptop that's old-timey / steampunk enough for a future-past antiquarian such as myself. Good day to you Starbucks, warm beverage emporium.

And... if anyone so much as looks sideways at me for taking up one of the cafetorium tableariums while I hack the complimentary intermatrix transmission, I'll put down my coffeeweed toddy and give them a swift but sound thumping.

And that's what's what.

2006-11-21T17:43:00.000-08:00

Jolly Jingles

Well now, this sho' is apropos of something. An associate of an associate recently unearthed this little gem at an estate sale:

Published in 1907, it's not quite as 'Beatrix Potter' as the cover suggests:

The image above is a bit hard to read. So get the kids and gather round:

We're two jolly little coons,
You cannot find our match.
We're just as sweet as sugar plums,
We never bite or scratch.
We play together all day long,
From care and trouble free.
Our life is just a pleasant song ---
Two little coons are we.

2006-11-20T21:19:00.000-08:00

Final Thoughts On Easy Targets

Sure, dropping the N (cluster) bomb was awkward. But the rest of the performance killed. Has anyone bothered to post his bit on Ovaltine? Where does he get this stuff? Michael: we shall overcome.

2006-11-19T22:11:00.000-08:00

Self Portrait With Crayons

Admittedly more interesting than most crayon self-portraiture I've come across. Could this be the new pointillism? ASCII art? Lite-Brite?

2006-11-15T20:47:00.000-08:00

Edu-sturbing Docu-sationalism

To be fair, I DID warn you yesterday. I mean, it would have been cruel not to warn you. Funnier but cruel.

2006-11-14T21:16:00.000-08:00

Okay, One Last Cheap Laugh...

I'm no fan of Ferguson but some of these are pretty well done. Besides, it's late. And I'm tired. And when you see what's coming next you may very well long for a bland and inoffensive copout like this.

2006-11-13T21:49:00.000-08:00

'Tis The Season Shot

With both American Thanksgiving and Chirstmas fast approaching, I thought I'd offer up a DIY alternative to the butchernistas strangehold on the holidays. We all know how personally gratifying it is to eat what you've killed (from a distance). But picking buckshot out of the carcass can be annoying and time-consuming for any hick's wife.

This year, load up with Season Shot, Ammo With Flavor:

"The seasoning is actually injected into the bird on impact seasoning the meat from the inside out. When the bird is cooked the seasoning pellets melt into the meat spreading the flavor to the entire bird."

As inventor and founder of Season Shot Brett Holm says, "No glop. No dentist. Hello world! Let’s eat!" I know what I'm thankful for.

Next up: is there a faster way to spread Christmas cheer?

2006-11-13T07:54:00.000-08:00

Stop Making Sense(ory Deprivation Tanks)

What? That's a terrible title. Seriously though, fairly warned be thee; they're full of weirdness and bad news.

In the interest of science, carpe diem and alleviating guilt by finding a solution to our long-standing paradox of doing something while doing nothing, Brock and I decided to increase our theta brainwave output by exploring the exciting domain of flotation-entertainment.

One hour of complete sensory deprivation in a small egg-shaped pod. Just you and your breathing, naked and floating freely with the help of over 2000 cups of Epsom salts.

This kind of claustrophobic solitude sounds like a great idea. But the potential for bad vibes and freakouts can quickly outweigh the weightlessness.

To wit: Brock later admitted to experiencing nightmarish scenarios involving Bobby McFerrin and her grandmother.

I was overtaken by a messianic complex (not unusual in Quebec). I thrashed about for twenty-some minutes, my eyes burning with corrosive salts, screaming in Latin. I was then politely removed and restrained by four hippie attendants who, despite my demands of allegiance, calmly insisted that I was not their Pod Godling.

The good news – today, I’m back on my game and my skin looks five years younger.

2006-11-09T19:22:00.000-08:00

Know Your Homosexuals

Feel like taking a ride in the shadow of death? Be honest.

2006-11-08T16:36:00.000-08:00

Goodbye Dumsfeld: We Hardly Liked Ye

Fiiiinally. Rummy, shown here attempting to hypnotize the press corps into making out with each other, is resigning. Hold the applause - there's a fish in a barrel I want to shoot.

Who could forget your steadfast optimism about Iraq:

"Which view of Iraq is more accurate?" The pessimistic view of the so-called elites in our country or the more optimistic view of millions of Iraqis and some 155,000 U.S. troops on the ground?"
(December 2005, washingtonpost.com)

Except maybe you:

""I have never painted a rosy picture. I've been very measured in my words, and you'd have a dickens of a time trying to find instances where I've been excessively optimistic."
(August 2006, guardian.co.uk)

To be fair, the former quote was a dickens of an open-ended question.

Missing him already? Fear not. DumDum will still be around as a honourary member of The Avengers.

Meet AMNESIATOR - able to induce Memory Distrust Syndrome with a single spin. His one weakness: the internet.

2006-11-07T17:19:00.000-08:00

He-Man Would Like To Talk To You About Your Body.

Methinks Orco doth protest too much. Next up: GoBots on cold sores.

2006-11-06T20:47:00.000-08:00

Things Piled On Other Things That Become Completely Different Things

Is it just a bunch of household crap thrown together to make an ungainly bookshelf? Philistine. Of course not. It's a bunch of BURNT household crap thrown together to make an ungainly bookshelf. It's in the same price range as a Hyundai and is a shrewd commentary on object beauty and intrinsic worth. As if that weren't value enough, it also reflects the violence of our times and has a horn that can hold a fern.

It's called "Hey Chair Be A Bookshelf" and is produced by Dutch designer Maarten Baas as part of his Smoke series of burnt furniture.

So fuck you and your highly functional non or non-professionally burnt Billy bookcase. You're out and I'm in.

2006-11-03T10:33:00.000-08:00

Weekend = Lazypost ©

Look gang - Gmail is now available to work as poorly on your mobile phone as it does on your computer.

Speaking of Google's lacklustre products - remember Blogger guys? Think you might consider, y'know, fixing it one day so that it, y'know, does what it should do? Y'know, work?

This past week shore ain't been easy, what with being locked in constant struggle with the Bloggerbeast. But is it fair to blame the sporadicience of my postaritude on Blogger's inablogability? You bet it is. Fucks a lot Googs.

But on with the show. Been meaning to post this for a while. Thom Yorke performing an acoustic version of "Analyse" at the 2006 Mercury Prize award show. The pre-vocal death stare and post-song smiley face make this performance rank a solid 7.5 out of 10. That's pretty Yorkey.

2006-11-01T20:58:00.000-08:00

Putting Things In Other Things

For as long as people have been putting clocks in things, so too have they worked tirelessly to put radios in things as well. Not surprisingly it was widely theorized that the clock radio would be the nadir of thing-in-other-thing innovation.

It wasn't.

Today, scientists are able to put things in other things previously thought to be "stand alones". This is helping to change the way we enjoy fake fireplaces. For the better.

1. Music Fireplace. Features built-in speakers and an adjustable sub-woofer for use with any MP3 or portable CD player. Pop in a "Sounds of the Fireplace" CD and see if anyone can tell the difference between you and someone who can afford a real fireplace.

2. Wine Cooler Fireplace. Finally - a unit both beautiful and practical enough to properly chill (and showcase) the L'Entre-Cote. Hello ladies.

2006-10-31T08:34:00.000-08:00

The New Dumb

Tell me you've noticed. Not that it matters. Take my word for it - no one's above The New Dumb. At least not lately. To wit:

1. Literacy. The United States of America is now ranked 55th in world literacy (according to the 2005 UN Development Programme Report). 55th. As Bill Maher put it, it's a sad state of affairs when there are 12-year-old kids in this country who can't spell the names of the teachers they're having sex with.

2. Political Attack Ads. Rapists, phone sex, killing babies, racism and terror. But enough about my weekend. This round of US mid-term election campaign ads have reduced the level of political discourse to “oxygen deprived” while giving everyone some pretty good reasons to fear fear again.

So thank you Kristen Gillibrand (NY). Thank you for fighting for more than our right to party.

3. Borat. U-S-A! U-S-A! To Sacha Baron Cohen’s unwitting co-stars - you’re all winners. My stomach hurt for quite a while after last night’s advance screening (opens Friday). But what was funnier – the ignorance, the homophobia, the ignorance, the anti-Semitism, the ignorance, the sexism, or the anus jokes?

2006-10-27T12:46:00.000-07:00

Halloween Costume Countdown: Decision 2006

Thaaaaat's right. So look for me. I'll be going to [location] on [day] around [time].

And no, I will not have a bottle of Viagra with me (sorry moochers). Nor am I likely to be surrounded by a coterie of cottontails. I will, however, be ensconced in (100%) silk, have plenty of Glenmorangie on hand and be throwing out some fun pretend stories that involve me and James Caan in some way.

A-ring-a-ding-ding.

2006-10-26T21:49:00.000-07:00

Torture Is As American As Apple Pie!

This direct quote and other sad profundities were delivered this evening by Pulitzer Prize winning muckraker Seymour Hersh. Sy spoke at McGill's Mount Royal Centre, presenting his "Report from Washington" lecture (as well as several extemporaneous digressions involving his many, MANY sources).

This man knows fear. From the (worse than you think) scandal at Abu Ghraib to the (frightening and possibly literal) cult of the Neo Cons to the (mildly upsetting) collapse of the press, Congress and the Constitution, it's enough to make you want to find a spider hole. Fast.

Sy was characteristically unapologetic - "I offer no hope. There's no one in the back selling uppers."

2006-10-25T16:45:00.000-07:00

Halloween Costume Countdown: Sexy Time

Inspired by Brock's sexy costume posting, I thought it might be fun to present a few alternatives to the conventional slutification of All Hallows Eve.

1. Sexy J.K. Rowling-esque Wizard. Kids will love you and so will I. Now I get the whole "No, no - adults can enjoy it too" thing. I'd be her Prisoner of Azkaban any day!

2. Sexy Lunatic. More commonly known as "The Montrealer".

3. Sexy Corn Dog Vendor. Hand to God, that's what it's actually called. Suggestively dispense corn-battered phalli and become the hottest turn-of-the-century frying wench this side of Coney Island.

2006-10-24T18:28:00.000-07:00

I'd Rather Be Fishing

Like you wouldn't. I can only assume these lugs knew what they were getting themselves into. Still, imagine the utter stupefaction they must have felt around minute two of this video (be patient - it gets intenser).

There seems to be some confusion as to the purpose of this little excursion, to say nothing of the species of fish and its behaviour. I asked S for his thoughts on the video and here's what he told me:

"I wish I'd never sent it to you."

2006-10-23T14:34:00.000-07:00

Halloween Costume Countdown: Flop Sweat Factor 7

Dumb animal that I am, I ain't done put enough thought into this for the umpteenth year. Ah, but "enough" is not ANY. The following is a selection of possible git-ups I still have time to pull off. Votes, suggestions and incredibly witty remarks are all welcome. Please help me make this the best Halloween ever. Don't and I'll show up as you dressed as a child-molesting Block Parent.

2006-10-20T15:12:00.000-07:00

The Quotable Ultimate Warrior

"With the command of my voice I raise the level of the words to one that can't be reproduced."
- The Ultimate Warrior

What?

He had it all - the hair, the make-up and an intensity that, as wrestler Bobby H put it, "made coffee nervous". But apparently no one knew what the hell he was talking about. Not the fans. Not the wrestlers. Not even majority owner and chairman of the WWE, Vince McMahon.

After watching this I can honestly say that I feel more sane.

If you'd like to learn more about The Ultimate Warrior, I reccommend a thorough reading of his Wikipedia entry. You'll learn about:

- The short-lived Ultimate Warrior comic book series, featuring the "Santa Rape Issue".
- His new career as a conservative speaker featuring his Ultimate Quote: "Queering doesn't make the world work."
- The Ultimate Outing of The Warrior by (surprise surprise) The Iron Sheik.

2006-10-19T20:20:00.000-07:00

Helsinki, I Hardly Know Ye

Attention hipster diaspora - pack up your (Comme Des Garçons) bindles. The promised land is not wherever the hell you are. Unless you happen to be in Helsinki. If you're there, stay put. You won the lottery.

Go to hel-looks.com and prove me wrong.

A quote from one plate, Maippi, who I think may have been Blind Melon's bumblebee girl:

"I bought these glasses from Chinatown in Montreal. I like them because when wearing them, I don't feel like, oh, why am I not wearing contact lenses!"

Wow. I'm moving - who's with me?

2006-10-18T14:44:00.000-07:00

Gratuitous Cartoon Mashup Posting

"I like to drink wine more than I used to."
- Vito Corleone, The Godfather (1972)

I assume most of you have seen at least one of these things before. Remember the never-tedious Wassup? Budweiser commercial as re-interpretted by the Superfriends? Yeah, I'll bet.

There's something about this one though. Maybe it's the subtle eyebrow movement or the fact that I totally buy Kirk as Michael Corleone.

2006-10-17T19:09:00.000-07:00

Lovers In A Dangerous Randomized Controlled Trial

Ran into Special K recently. Like so many Montrealers, she finally succumbed to big pharma's Vegas-like lure of the clinical trial. You've seen the ads - it's practically free money. You spend a few nights, sign a few wavers and pray that your children (assuming you can still reproduce) develop teeth, a healthy intellect and a tail small enough to be hidden by baggy pants.

Special K pulled a three-nighter. Observation: once a week for three weeks. The drug: developed to alleviate severe stomach cramping in South American children. I don't know what the hell they're eating down there but what a boon for our local economy.

On her last visit the researcher blurted out what must rank as one of the most awkward overtures in the history of science: "I'm really going to miss you. Would you like to... come back for another experiment?" As it turns out he says that to most of his rats too. Still.

2006-10-16T20:55:00.000-07:00

Ecce Homo. Seriously.

Apologies for the delay in posting. Not that anyone is keeping track. Or reading for that matter.

Everyone loves Jesus, that much science has proven. But which Jesus do people love the most? We'll leave that up to art. And you! From top:

1. Knock-knock joke Jesus.
2. Awkward Sears portrait Jesus.
3. Bad boy Billy Ray Cyrus-y Jesus.
4. South Park Jesus (3D).

2006-10-13T13:06:00.000-07:00

Weekend = Lazypost ©

I could easily justify my recent spate of YouTubings but it's the weekend and I wanna go outside. So you get nothing.

Except these. Two deleted(?) scenes from the upcoming Borat movie. I know, I know - he's barely had any press. My advice: try to out-anti-semitism your competition *cough* melgibson *cough*. You know what the PR folk say Borat - "you're good, but are you Gibson good?"

2006-10-12T18:07:00.000-07:00

Chubby Little Loser

I'll bet you didn't think anything could top yesterday's hot leopard slug flippy floppy. Wasn't sure myself until this drifted my way (thanks ME).

The Clip: from the second episode of the second season of the second best show on TV today: Extras.

The Preamble: Former movie / TV extra Andy (Ricky Gervais) has miraculously managed to get his own show on BBC.

The Problem: His worst fears have been realized - he has written and starred in a tepid wigs-and-catchphrases British sitcom.

The Situation: An attempt to take refuge in the V.I.P. area of a cocktail lounge turns into a humiliating but catchy sing-a-long lead by David Bowie.

2006-10-11T14:25:00.000-07:00

Leopard Slug Mating

This video teaches you about the leopard slug and how it mates. I don't mate like this. Neither do you probably. But the leopard slug does. Man, what a shitty day.

Also, fingers crossed for F who is vying for the enviable position of Crime Scene Photographer. All goes well - this blog gets a LOT more interesting.

2006-10-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

Gotta Nuke Somethin'

Once again, my solemn pledge to you: no-bandwagon-jumping-on. I'm curious though - anyone else out there feeling a little nostalgic? I for one have missed the hell out of the nuclear boogeyman. I've missed stockpiling, rogue-state-to-strategic-partner-diplomacy and mad, MAD doctrines. To everything turn, turn, turn.

In any case, what more can possibly said of the glorious leader, the strident impudence of the DPRK and the looming global fucktastrophy that will all have us quietly hoping the Stanislov Petrovs of the world have got our back?

2006-10-08T19:17:00.000-07:00

With This Ring...

BGA, ME and a slew of others I (choose to) forget often accuse me of having a lousy memory. Folks: selective is not lousy. Be-more-interesting.

What was I saying? Oh yeah - this ring is SO ninja (BGA / JA - am I wrong?). Practical too - now I'll always remember the date. Unless I forget to change it. But that will never happen.

2006-10-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

Mistaken Identity

In regard to Rhiannon's Brock latest reflux of sensationalistic and slanderous hokum, I would like to take a moment to clarify the following:

1. As there are several people in the world who share my namesake, I suspect that Ms Brock must be desperate for news these days. For shame Brock - lumping me in with the zealots, wackjobs and stooges who constitute both the bulk of your blog’s content and its readership. Speaking of crazy, am I mistaken or is that a Symbionese Liberation Army uniform you’re wearing in your blog pic?

2. With regard to my alleged "baby raping", I believe that my many years of volunteer work with the Cumming First United Methodist Church Children's Ministries (http://www.cummingfirst.com/children.html) will put to rest any present or future accusations of sexual misconduct. Alas, would but Ms Brock could experience the immense pleasure of seeing the smiling face of a Cumming child as I have, she might desist in her baseless attempts at character assassination.

2006-10-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

Gay Games

Romstar released this in 1992 before anyone knew what suggestive imagery was. One reviewer on gamespot.com offers a helpful, if not gossipy guide to the characters. And I quote:

Coyote Jim - the 6th hardest.

Billy Morgan - The 5th hardest. Just a push over.

Wild Wolf Chief - The 4th hardest.

Keith - The 2nd hardest.

Scorpion master - He is the overall hardest. I have never beat him.

Of course that's just one reviewer's opinions.

Other games of interest from Romstar: Trojan (1986), Final Blow (1988) and Out Zone (1990).

2006-10-04T10:36:00.000-07:00

Grill Skillz. Sorry, That's "Skills".

Yessir, easy targets abound these days - Foley, you loveable scamp! - but I've decided to step back from the brink of bandwagon jumping... on. Thank me later. Or don't and I'll tell everyone about that secret affair with your teacher in high school. Yeah, I intercepted that "how's my favourite stud doing?" note he tried to pass you during History and Politics. Stud of course being an acronym for "Strong Teen Using Democracy". How embarrassing it will be for you.

Instead I present an unhealthy dollop of nostalgia. As you are no doubt aware, the 80s were awesome. Everyone really got into the rap music. Especially my former employer, Wendy's. But where was MC Flash-Fry and The Fatty Patties when I was being lectured on the subtleties of "Parking Lot Beautification" featuring cigarette butt removal?

2006-10-03T15:20:00.000-07:00

Actionable Items: Stock Tip

Don't spread it around but it seems that "abortion has diminished the value of children". Called my broker immediately and eighty-sixed that sh*t before the market bottomed out (thanks Brock - owe you a Coke). Now I need to find something a bit more stable. S tells me he's putting more and more money into dead kittens but I'm skeptical.

In other news, it seems God has been expelled from school. I can't help but wonder what kind of mischief he'll get into now. Seriously though, what kind of example does this set for Jesus?

2006-10-02T20:22:00.000-07:00

Right of Reply

Cheers to my esteemed colleague Rhiannon Brock who has just plugged my little effort here on her own highly successful and much beloved Fag Hags and Handbags blog. Jeers to her lacklustre sarcasm, sucky-baby name calling and outright (dare i say - illegal?) declaration of war. The following is a polite but firm reply I plan to have hand delivered when I find out who she is and where she squats.

My Dearest Brock:

Must we be blenemies? I have followed your blogging with casual interest over the past few months, going so far as to actually read some of your postings in their entirety. I cannot overstate the adequacy of your wit, nor the sense of moderately less boredom with which it and your oblique observations fill my life. Thank you. Thank yooooou.

Although you will never see a goth poem in your honour grace the darkness, the blackness, the silence and the sadness of my blograg (my "blag" if you and the progressive democracy that is urbandictionary.com will so indulge me), I want you know that your comments and suggestions will always be eagerly anticipated, warmly welcomed and mercilessly censored.

Conventionally,

Paul

2006-10-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

Montreal: Duck and Cover

It's official: we're unsafe. Comments made in passing to Brock last weekend re: the perennial (dis)repair of our roads were, as it turns out, obscurely prescient. Honestly, we were just bitching about the potholes and pylons, I swear. This is just the kind of shot in the arm we needed after Dawson. Speaking of which, please be sure to check out *unsigned* songwriter Miray's completely altruistic and not-at-all-stock tribute to Anastasia De Sousa. Moving.

2006-09-29T20:01:00.000-07:00

Ever Fallen In Love With Someone...

...only to have them go on a breakfast show and do this? Of course you have. We all have.

Speaking of getting kicked in the nuts, I'm strongly recommending Jackass Number Two for the weekend. Make sure you've see Jackass Number One though or you'll be completely lost.

2006-09-29T08:19:00.000-07:00

The Clintoning: Aftermath

Okay, okay - everyone's mad as hell and not going to take it anymore, check. But Keith c'mon: "a monkey posing as a newscaster"? You know damn well Fox News only uses retired circus chimps. What a delightful road to nowhere we're on.

2006-09-28T16:25:00.000-07:00

Bacon On A Bun

A recent trip with S to a county fair yielded two shocking discoveries. One: bacon on a bun continues to be an autumnal favourite of flavour-impaired small town stumps. Two: S's dispassionate curiosity and aberrant colon allow him to explore territory most sensible and well-advised empiricists would fear to... not... bother to go. Ever. I still have trouble looking at this. For the love of rectum S, why?

2006-09-28T09:52:00.000-07:00

Actionable Items: Reality TV Audition

Oh I admit it. The thought has crossed has my mind. En/dis couraging words from the front: BGA's hi-larious complicity in yet another dopey model search and F's even funnier admission of a fake audition for Canadian Idol ("making it through" to third round judging no less). Okay, okay - the fix is in. So why do it? Hey, why do anything? I guess we'll see. As it stands, we've got tedium and my love of stereotypes versus apathy or possibly a few lingering threads of self-respect. Yeah, just kidding. Stay tuned.

2006-09-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

The Clintoning

This past weekend's sudden eruption of Mount St Bubba got me to thinking. That enervating assault on Wallace, that rebuking tone, it put everything into perspective. Things just ain't what they used to be. The worm is turning folks - no more mister nice Dem. (Oh and children, the times they are a-becoming quite different: Urban Dictionary, j'accuse yo.)

Oh right. Ahem, cue fanfare: I hence give you the pronunciatory speakulation that is my Home Port of Panic. If you're not careful it may soon become yours too.